‘When you’re a kid people can put all kinds of ideas in your head. I would tell everyone that my mother was a slut and had sold my brother and me. The truth is that he threatened to kill us if she didn’t let us go.

I never knew what mood he was in. One moment he was a fantastic dad who gave us anything we wanted, the next he was screaming we had stolen something from him while he was holding a gun in his hand. As punishment he would lock me up in the basement of our house in total darkness, or cut off the head of my favourite parrot. I often heard him bragging with his friends about the good old times when they killed communists and faggots. He wanted me to be a real man, so he taught me how to shoot his gun when I was eight years old.

I shared a bed with him until I was twelve. I loved lying in his big strong arms and playing with his voluptuous body hair. He never abused me sexually, although some of my psychologists think he probably did.

In my teens I used to jerk off behind my bedroom window. It overlooked a park and I remember one day a guy stopped and looked inside. I went to the balcony, and he asked me to come downstairs. We talked and decided to meet up the next day to have sex. I quickly discovered the park was a cruising area. I would go there to flirt with older men and suck their cocks in their cars. I didn’t tell anyone. It was my dirty little secret and the danger involved made it even more exciting.

Image: Elvin Boer

I was twenty-six when my dad died. I used the money that I inherited to move to Europe. In Berlin, I found the freedom to be and do whatever I want. Getting paid for sex is a great way of channelling my sex drive. It is beautiful to give people who are beyond mainstream beauty standards experiences they cannot normally have. Many clients see me as a Sex God.

‘The hairier the man, the hornier I get. My beard is a sex organ. My clients ask me to do the craziest things with it’

When I go clubbing, I like to look manly: a lot of hair, sweaty, and smelly like a cave man. I love hairy men, full armpits, and voluptuous pubic hair. The hairier the man, the hornier I get. My beard is a sex organ, and my clients ask me to do the craziest things with it.

Men, both gay and straight, often approach me and touch my beard. As a response I sometimes grab their cocks, and then the straight men back off exclaiming they aren’t gay, and I’m like, “Well… you touched my beard, so why can’t I touch your cock?”

Straight men love to admire masculinity in themselves and in others. There is definitely a sexual element to this. But society has created a mental barrier that tells straight men they can identify with other men, but they cannot desire them. If you do, you’re a faggot. I think this whole straight/gay dichotomy is a construct imposed on us that limits the richness and complexity of desire. When a man touches my beard, it might not always be homosexual, but it is sexual for sure.

Image: Elvin Boer

I only do alternative porn. Mainstream porn amplifies restrictive gender roles that result in rape-like behaviour in men and in toxic masculinity. One of my favourite film projects is Fuck the Fascism, political porn where we fuck and pee on fascist and colonial monuments. It’s a big middle finger to the regimes and atrocities my dad supported. Next year, I hope to shoot a feature in the Atacama Desert, where I was born and raised. Doing porn in Chile would feel like things coming full circle.

‘When a man touches my beard, it might not always be homosexual, but it is always sexual for sure’

Shortly before his death, I told my dad he was a good parent but also that he fucked up. We both cried. My brother and I were everything to him and I will always love him, but the world is a better place without him.’

Image: Elvin Boer