‘The world is a grim place. The only way for men to protect themselves and survive is to man up. Literally. Men should grow muscles, so they can fight their enemies. When I was in my late teens, I started going to the gym. I took testosterone and grew my beard. I did not make any friends then either, but at least the bullying stopped. I look like a Viking now, and as a result, no-one messes with me.

After I graduated, I joined the German army. It was all about physical endurance and creating a body fit for battle. For an entire year, I lived with a group of German men; we trained, worked out, and slept collectively. There was nothing better than coming back from an intense training session and hitting the showers together. The act of undressing and feeling the hot water on our soapy bodies was incredibly intimate. The soldiers in my division did not talk much, and I was not close to anyone, but the feeling of being physically together, and not being ridiculed, was new to me. There was homophobia and hate speech, people made stupid jokes, but nobody knew I was gay, so I was left alone.

‘I am proud to be a man. I like men. I do not like women. I never understood why some gay men behave like them’

I know this is not a popular standpoint, but to me the connection between homosexuality and femininity does not make sense. I am not a woman. I am proud to be a man. I like men. I do not like women. I never understood why some gay men behave like them. On social media and in porn videos, it is obvious what kinds of men are popular. Natural looking guys with muscles and beards and lots of chest hair. Not the sissies. If these are the most desired features, why strive for the opposite?

Image: Elvin Boer

After leaving the army, I got scouted and moved to Los Angeles to work in the gay porn industry. In porn, sex is not real sex, it is just a performance. I found my co-stars shallow and did not really connect, but I did not care. It was great money. I lived in a luxuriously decorated apartment; I ate and drank what I wanted and fucked whoever I wanted. Men admired my body and North-European Aryan looks. In the US, gay men have more power and better self-esteem than in Europe. I remember one day someone called me a faggot on the streets and I just shouted back at them. I would never do that in Germany.

The problem in Germany is that the real source of homophobia is never mentioned: Islam. Most of the assaults on gays are committed by Muslim immigrants, hardly ever by white Germans. Most right-wing parties raise their voices on the issue. The left and a lot of queer organisations do not, because it does not match their politically correct narrative. I know I am not making myself popular by saying this, so I am not showing my face here. But I will not stay silent: I vote for the far right and will share my views with people who are sincerely interested.

My American visa did not get renewed, for bureaucratic reasons, and I returned to Germany. I do not have any real education and I did not want to give up the standard of living I was used to in the US. I don’t regret dealing drugs, but one night I was caught and sentenced to jail.

Image: Elvin Boer

Prison is nothing like you see on television. It is boring. In a weird way, I liked it. It reminded me of the army: a disciplined life without temptations, spent with a bunch of guys. Friendship does not really exist in prison, but there was a sense of solidarity between the inmates, because we were all in it together.

Most of my fellow inmates were unattractive and straight. A couple were “gay for stay”: straight guys who were so horny they would fuck other guys. That was hot. They were manly and dominant, unlike the few sissies who were obviously queer and got beaten up every now and then. I got called a faggot behind my back a couple times, but things never turned physical, because I look tough.

‘Being a man requires hard work and we gays know how to put in the work.We have beards and are dressed up in leather and look virile and sexy and strong’

I am happy with my life in Berlin. I can afford anything I want. Being a man requires hard work and we gay men know how to put in the work. With our well-trained bodies, we command respect. What you see nowadays is that most of the straight men in Germany—with their shaved cheeks and soft voices—are ashamed of their masculinity and their roots. They behave in a manner that used to be called “gay”: they have become effeminate and weak, because their girlfriends are so emancipated. I think we gay men have the last laugh.

In Berghain, there is a corner where all the butch gay men hang out and dance. The straight guys are in the other corner. And you notice that the gays have beards and are dressed up in leather and they all look virile and sexy and strong. And then I look at the straight men at the other side of the room and I see… absolutely nothing.’

Image: Elvin Boer